She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
