he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
