he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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