You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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