Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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