just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
