Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
