Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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