as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
