a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
