Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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