Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
