Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
