The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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