His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
