she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
