Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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