Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
