Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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