My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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