Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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