thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
