Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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