I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
