go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
