i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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