You made me cry and you don't even care
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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