1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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