he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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