I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
