I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
