I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
