when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
