Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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