You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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