i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
