Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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