Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
