My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
