Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
