So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
