My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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