no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I could fuck to npr.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
