Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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