Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
