the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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