that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I smell like Dick and happiness
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