i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
