Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
whose ass print is on the piano?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
