You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
