I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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