i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
