John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize